Why am I here?

I don't mean this in the existential, meaning of life kind of way, although that would be nice to know... Rather why am I starting this blog at this time.

Before I started trying to get pregnant, I was never a blog reader. There were a few blogs of friends that I followed here and there, but I really wasn't a part of the blogging world. I had always thought that when I got pregnant I would start a blog to track my pregnancy, birth, baby, etc. I thought it would be a great way to save my memories and also allow my friends and family to keep up with what was going on with us. I did start a journal as soon as stopped birth control which is where I recorded my private feelings. Several months into trying to get pregnant, and no closer to actually being pregnant, my sister told me about a blog called A Little Pregnant. I checked it out the same way I would come to read all blogs- starting at the beginning and reading all the way through the archives. By the time I finished it, I was hooked.

There was someone else out there who understood what I was going through and how I felt! It was like she could read my thoughts. From there I followed the links to blogs that she read and so on. But that was the extent of my activity. I would devour infertility blogs, but I never commented or had any actual contact with these bloggers. And I didn't start my own blog because I had it in my head that my blog would be for when I actually got pregnant.

And so it was. As soon as I had my first sono where we saw a heartbeat, I started my baby blog. It's boring, it's impersonal, but it's exactly what I thought it would be. I still continue to follow all the same blogs and many new ones as well- mostly PAIL blogs. I am still much more of an observer than a participator. Every once in a while I'll leave a comment here and there, but I don't actually "know" any of the bloggers I follow, not even in a internets/bloggy/cyber friend kind of way.

So, back to why I'm starting this blog. I regret not blogging when I was struggling to get pregnant. I felt and feel a great sense of community with all of these fellow infertiles, but it's like having a crush on a celebrity or something- I know so many details about them and their lives, but they don't even know I exist. For a long time that's been fine, but I find myself wanting that connection now. I also know I still have a lot to work through regarding my journey to parenthood, especially as I'm beginning to think about doing it all over again.